Cough Remedy

I left Ahmadiyyat because Mirza Ghulam Ahmad was a liar and a charlatan. Find out why I believe this to be true.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

U.M.A. Inc and Arnold Fiat

Mr. Graham Arnold was one of the brighter employees at U.M.A. International, a global company with divisions in every territory. Of course, he wasn't always that way.

At first he had quite a junior post, because his education was mismatched to his position. Tired of hus underachievement, he decided to seek a transfer. Secretly, he harboured a desire to match the founder, widely recognised, even by his enemies to be the most important figure in business history, having founded U.M.A. what seemed like centuries ago.

The founder, Mr. Farseal, was an imposing figure in the historical pantheon. He could never be matched. He set in process all the ideologies and rules of U.M.A. and ensured that through an as yet unknown mechanism, the Mission Statement, could never be altered or modified as long as U.M.A. was in existence. This Mission Statement was effectively U.M.A.'s "Bible", but unlike the Bible, science has subsequently shown Mr. Farseal's Mission Statement to have been unadulterated. Surprisingly, the ethos is as valid today as when he founded U.M.A. So revered was Mr. Farseal, that his sayings and habits were effectively enshrined in a number of books, a canon known by the rather whimsical name of "A Hard Ease". Not as accurate or verifiable as the Mission Statement, but nonetheless, an essential supplemental guide when rules of the U.M.A. required exploration or discussion.

Mr. Farseal's history is well known, and this is not his story. Suffice it to say that there would have been no U.M.A. International without him and the succes of this business, the fastest growing business in the world despite its extraordinary size, is evidence of his influence and paramount importance.

Mr. Graham Arnold, like other employees of U.M.A. revered Mr. Farseal. He studied the Mission Statement, but never quite mastered it, extrapolating meaning where there was none, and ignoring guidelines set in place for its interpretation. His command of "A Hard Ease" was dubious. Although at first he respected this work, eventually, he was shown to have misrepresented some of this work.

Everyone knew the Mission Statement was never to be altered, never to be abrogated, added to or subtracted from. Everyone knew that the best way to interpret it was through the guidelines laid down by Mr. Farseal in "A Hard Ease" in case of any doubt. Everyone knew this, including Mr. Graham Arnold.

Until later in his career, when success started going to his head and his ruthless self-promotion caused him to shortcut the protocols of the company, causing further division and clamour in the ranks.

Mr. Graham Arnold, having promoted himself, extraordinarily, up the position of Head Reformer, then began to claim that parts of the Mission Statement had been written by him. Indeed, he spouted sections of the Mission Statement arbitrarily, crediting authorship to himself. Astonishingly, in a move of breathtaking audacity, he claimed that all portions of the Mission Statement referring to the defence of U.M.A. from predatory takeovers stood discarded by his order.

Needless to say this caused consternation in all divisions of U.M.A. International. In his final, daring self-promotional phase, he claimed to be the living embodiment of Mr. Farseal. He claimed to be his second advent. Many jeered, but some misguided employees, easily misled, or just unhappy with the corporate culture in some of the divisions of U.M.A. (and some rightly so) pledged allegiance to him. Perhaps they thought that by catching the coat-tails of this fast-track self-promoter, they might get some glory for themselves. Some actually believed him.

Mr. Graham Arnold then set up his own division within U.M.A. This was counter to the Mission Statement, and indeed, despite the warnings in the Mission Statement, divisions had been formed. Mr. Graham Arnold wasn't satisfied at forming his own division - "Arnold Fiat" - he also declared the other divisions as outside the scope of U.M.A. unless they pledged to join his fledgeling division. And he did this while continuing to claim to represent the true essence of U.M.A. while declaring the main body of it not part of U.M.A. Of course, he continued to be funded by U.M.A. and considered his "Arnold Fiat" division to be the only division that was valid.

Recently, a committee of all the other diivisions convened to discuss the thorny "Arnold Fiat" issue. By unanimous decision, in complete consensus, after pondering the Mission Statement and "A Hard Ease", they sold off the "Arnold Fiat" division to the highest bidder, declaring it to be no longer part of U.M.A. Of course, no one outside U.M.A. wanted it, so Mr. Graham Arnold instigated a management buy out.

To this day, Mr. Graham Arnold's successors (he has of course retired) have continued to operate their small division independently, by lowering the salaries of all their employees dramatically and offering stock options instead. These will accrue on retirement. A pleasant retirement is only guaranteed however if the employee opts-in to the higher rate stock option scheme at the expense of their salary. This also gives them exclusive membership to the "Heavenly Gym Club", a great perk, but unfortunately, the Heavenly Gym Club is always under construction.

Arnold Fiat has created its own rules, not allowing its staff to mix with U.M.A. staff, not allowing company secrets to ever be viewed by outsiders, not allowing Arnold Fiat employees to visit the leaving-dos of U.M.A. employees etc. Do any of that and you will be fired!

U.M.A. is the top Fortune 100 company. Arnold Fiat, despite its employees contributions, hasn't even listed on Nasdaq yet, despite claiming revenues of 200 million dollars a year.

Reporter: Shahid K. Ahmad


  • At 1:04 am, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    very good br shahid.
    witty and funny


Post a Comment

<< Home